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So Full

by Madeleine Toerne

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1.
Drone turnpike comfort, brownish blackness Wonder where I am for five or six seconds genuinely afraid I realize I am in bed, in a womb Two dank faded eyes, bluish blackish look straight up Ordinary people Ordinary fucking people The smell is me crawling around on the carpet brother dressed in pink feather boa The smell is people describing the smell as “country” but the way they say it makes it sound so ugly Ordinary people Ordinary fucking people They use so many plastic bags Never put kittens in carriages Caged themselves up in their room with barbie While I’m tortured on a bed of legos Attracted to a doll Sexuality is a spectrum Ordinary people Ordinary fucking people I’m young, young young young young young Happy go Young, young, young, young, young, happy go I should go Where I wanna go Glass city walls, glass is shiny Windex washed walls, lots of money For the sweetest warehouse lookout Give me singing, give me dancing Give me intentionality Please, please, please don’t give me money That’s for ordinary people Ordinary fucking people I’m young, young young young young young Happy go I’m young, young, young, young Happy go I should go where I wanna go Ordinary people Ordinary fucking people
2.
I wanna be drowning in my clothes I’d feel less exposed if I were drowning in my/ drowning in my clothes I wondered if seabirds had personality they dive for their food, but do they cry when they get in the mood, do they get in the mood? A hawk followed me down to the shore at dawn x7 We marched toward the sea, this bird looking after me drowning in my/ drowning in my clothes I don’t want to be a weakness to anyone, I don’t want to be a weakness I forget when i’m in pain/ that someone might feel the same, but do we all feel the same? Drown, drown, Mademoiselle drowned arms of the sea, drown down she returned to the womb she couldn’t be free so she drowned down Drowned without her clothes water filled her mouth and her nose Drown down, drown down, drown down I wanna be drowning in my clothes I’d feel less exposed if I were/ drowning in my/ drowning in my clothes
3.
Pretty Moms 04:02
Pretty moms all in a rush in the town Pretty moms all in a rush Pretty moms running their errands in town Pretty moms are all in a rush Eating soup next to the river in town Lemon soup, seagulls are flying around I’m really watchin’ not reading it out of a book I am watching, lifting up my head to look (I look) And pretty moms all in a rush in the town Pretty moms all in a rush Pretty moms running their errands in town Pretty moms I’m so out of touch My iced tea says it's good for the body and mind I’m pretty dizzy, hope it’s doing something for mine Pretty moms, rushing all over the town They don’t want to let any of their kin down kin down kin down Buffalo gals won’t you come out tonight Come out tonight, come out tonight Buffalo gals won’t come out tonight and dance by light of the moon x2
4.
So Full 02:51
Featuring Sal Lake, Collin Geddis, and Jacob Tisdale. Recorded by Daniel Aguirre. lyrics Sun set goes down and then I get lonely. Friends say you gotta regain your sense of autonomy, Regain your sense of smell. Dip your hands in the shallow water (dip your hands in the water), So full of refreshing green mystery, So full of non-contaminated algae. Oh gee, I love those wooden structures. The dust is okay. But the wooden structures on the frame--I will rue the day. When this house isn't filled with friends of mine, When there's no black jeans to hang on a line, When there's no six-pack, or box of wine On the refrigerator (rigerator), Is so full (so full), so full (so full). How could it be so full when there was nothing to eat? I'm so full (so full), so full (so full) of fluid inspired star stuff. So happy to walk on the streets above, Candy in my pocket, candy in your heart pocket. So sweet and simple, spring birds on the sill. I knew it took you a while to see me, But I was over here, seeing this bee. This bee (this bee), this bee (this'll be) A pretty good epiphany, When this summer I'm gonna be (all alone) It'll be just me and my cell-phone, And if the wind is raging, I'm gonna be blown And if the sun is shining, I'm gonna get some sun And if I see an elk, I will not run I will not run away, I'll back slowly away (Away, away, away) I will not run away, I'll back slowly away credits released April 26, 2016
5.
But Mama 05:39
Baby Misha, I'd call her As we'd stroll down the nearest river River banks, and I love you so much Not just because my body Forces me to, Oh dear, unborn child I still want to possess you The ultimate work of art A project and production I'd nurture, nurture, nurture her Refrain: But mama, But what? But mama, But what? But mama, but mama, but mama, but what Little Avorys, and Ivorys, and Josephs, and Jacks and Rileys All wily, all Velcro, all mine I'm the captain, I'm a shark I am holding your hand in the dark I'll teach you to dance when you're older Little Floras, and Jonahs, and Lenas and Liams and Monas I'll miss you, but I want you to be free Refrain You're all better off You'll understand when you're a mother and that's me thinking that she wants to be a mother She'll feel the same feel 'Cause we have the same blood But she's positive, and I'm negative Refrain The influence is rather mighty Her bruised blue eyes are flighty She wants to spin around on the lawn It hurts to say this: "child with a child pretending" but I worry that's all I'll ever amount It hurts to say this But mama, but mama, but what credits released January 3, 2016 The lyrics "child with a child pretending" come from Joni Mitchell's song "Little Green"
6.
Girl Mentor 03:35
I drank four unknowing months of rust water (rust water) I knocked on the block of every virgin daughter (and found your daughter) saw a mark on a slab of wood saw her bangs through the slit in her hood she refused to be anything less than girl mentor Girl mentor, now have I searched high and low for you? I’m with my crew, you’ve de-romanticized the hill life, here comes the strife Empty bottles cracked over my head at dawn, no more a fawn Transformation to a woman I no longer recognize Girl mentor, now have I searched the sea and the breeze for you? Here’s what you do: make me feel worthy of the world’s attention And did I mention, you wake up and read in the light of the morning here I am mourning, you leave me with myself my thoughts girl mentor Girl mentor, now have I walked track and trail for you? Pink smoldering sunrise, in your neighborhood, it’s your town Pink smoldering sunset, I move around, I move around I chew on Valerian root ‘cause I had too much coffee after noon I am shaky and thinking of you, Girl mentor, Girl mentor, I’ll carry buckets of water to you and when we’re through, we’ll know ourselves, our friends, what else is true here’s what you do make me feel worthy of the world’s attention And did I mention, you wake up and read in the light of the morning here I am mourning, you leave me with myself my thoughts girl mentor
7.
Alaska 04:44
Yellow lamp, shining bright Yellow lamp, you’re the light yellow lamp you reveal red bumps Window seat on the bus Window seat, in you I trust window seat wish you were permanent Archeology, you sound great Digging for bones, I hope I’m not too late Archaeology, ‘cause I wanna go to Alaska Refrain: I wanna go I wanna go I wanna go, to Alaska Lemon water, in my jar Lemon water, in my car Lemon water to refresh my sore throat Mason jar, silhouette car Diamond needle, and a drive too far Rich black hair parted down the middle Happy trails, in solitude Why do I feel like I need a dude? To be alone, roughing it in Alaska Refrain: Mountains and mountains of cologne I won’t smell it and I won’t need a phone just the three things I’d bring with me to an island A crystal stick, a barrel of wine a sorrowful heart wavering like wind chimes to be alone in the breeze, in Alaska I don’t know, I’ve never been there in fact I’ve hardly been anywhere but I know a green Douglas fir when I see one Refrain

credits

released May 30, 2017

All songs mixed by Daniel Aguirre. Sal Lake, Collin Geddis, and Jacob Tisdale featured on "So Full" and "But Mama."

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Madeleine Toerne Athens, Ohio

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